


In My Heart

by hey_there_buddy



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hug Scene (Sherlock: The Lying Detective), M/M, Mentioned Mary Morstan, More tag to be added, Season 4 Episode 2, a bit of angst, i guess, to be continue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:01:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29801253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hey_there_buddy/pseuds/hey_there_buddy
Summary: The scenario is set after John's confession to his dead wife.
Relationships: Past John Watson/Mary Morstan, Sherlock Holmes & John Watson, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson
Comments: 23
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have taken some liberties to continue that scene *laughs nervously*

Sherlock didn't know what he should do. John was standing there, sobbing. He desperately wants to comfort John but his socipath-y mind is confused. He found himself in front of John and his arms automatically wrapped around his friend before his mind even registered what his body was doing. His body worked on its own accords and pulled John into its embrace. John’s head on his shoulder and his chin rested just above John’s head. Comforting words slipping out of his tongue without a second thought only this time he wasn’t sure if he would have been capable to soothe other people but in this moment he too found himself at peace. 

“It’s okay,” he said again and again like a mantra and let himself hold John tighter.

He too was on verge of crying and a single tear fell from his eyes before he could stop them and yes that was it. His eyes cascaded like an over-flooded dam. But he didn’t let go of John to wipe the tears away he just let them flow. Let himself melt in the moment. Let his façade fall. Let John’s tears soak him to the bones.

John, whose sobs were now turned into small whimpers, felt something wet. He shifted himself just to look at his friend’s face and was stunned by what he saw before his eyes. Sherlock’s eyes were closed and tears were rolling from his cheeks. 

John never saw Sherlock cry, not like this. God, John wants to comfort him. 

John wrapped his arms around Sherlock’s back. He felt the detective tense for just a second before relaxing again and John found himself at peace after what felt like forever. 

Sherlock’s silent cry cracked into a sob and John was there holding him, mumbling soft words of reassurance  _ I am here, you are not alone, we will get through it, it’s okay _ whilst rubbing circles on his back. Sherlock wondered when was the last time we felt so safe in someone else's arms. He vaguely remembers when his mum held him like this, when she found him sitting in the corner of his room and she had whispered ‘Oh Sherlock’ before kneeling and hugging him and Sherlock had cried over her shoulder and had complained about why everybody leaves him alone. After that Sherlock started building his walls and swore that he would allow nobody in. But at this moment he didn’t care. He let out his pain flow freely through his eyes.

He didn’t know when John shifted their position but he was sitting on the sofa and John was standing his one hand patting his hair and another one was on his back and he found his face buried in John’s shirt.

His throat started aching and then he realised that half an hour had passed. John seemed to sense something and he strode to the kitchen after squeezing Sherlock’s shoulder. Sherlock strangely misses John’s arms and warmth. John returned from the kitchen with a glass of water which Sherlock accepted gratefully. After a few moments of awkward silence, John kneel before Sherlock and said Thank You. 

John finally had gathered the courage to re-confront his feelings for Sherlock and today he was going to tell Sherlock. Today either it will be the end of their friendship or a new start. Opportunity to rebuilt their relationship. Slowly, carefully and together.

“What for?” asked Sherlock.

“Sherlock, I want to tell you something. Please, listen then you decide by yourself,” John said tightening his hold on Sherlock's hands which he didn't know that he was holding before. His every cell of being was screaming to back off. There would be still time to sew their broken friendship but no, It’s now or never. If he loses his courage now he doesn't know if he would ever be able to gather it again. 

“Sherlock, you are most wisest, kindest and bravest person I ever had my good fortune to meet,”

Sherlock stared at their joint hands and then into John’s eyes. He wasn’t able to predict what John's next word would be. He was emotionally exhausted from today’s day’s events. He didn’t want anything than to curl up in his cold bed but something into John’s eyes stopped him from doing so. And for once in years, just a little, he allowed himself to think that he would be rewarded with John’s companionship again. He can’t ask for more only if John decide to move back in 221 B. In their home which somehow had managed to become like hell just by the absence of John. He still regrets his decision that he decided to trust Molly instead of John. And now he can’t blame John for living him alone when he needed him most. He had survived that hell for two years because by John. Whenever he feels that he would not be able to take anymore of torture, John would be there for him, inside his mind palace, like a candle in the darkness. Guiding him out of his depressing thoughts and encouraging him to come out alive. To come back to him. In 221 B. In their home. 

“See, I will not blame you if you don’t want to see my face again,” It’s proving hard for John to maintain his voice even when emotions are pouring like rain.

“You know, Sherlock, I was suicidal before I met you. There was no point in living and then you come in my life and my whole life changed. I was alone and I owe you so much. And then you suddenly left and I was again alone..” John's eyes were threatening to float and he blinked his tears away. He can’t back off now even if he wants to.

“And then I was suicidal again. But there was no one now to bring colours into my life until Mary. She somehow instantly recognised my condition and helped me to come of my own misery. She was very patient with me and I don’t if I would have even survived if Mary was not there.”

Sherlock felt something inside his chest, the bullet scar Mary gave him. He faked his death to protect John. Hell, he even managed to dismantle Moriaty’s web just to keep John safe and alive and to see him again and here John was all suicidal. Sherlock doesn't know but he felt grateful for Mary. Felt that he owed her so much.

“John,”he tried to speak but failed miserably at the time. He was unable to form any syllabus except John's name, though his mind was racing thousand miles per second. They actually never had this conversation. What the other person had gone through that tragic two years.

“No, just listen to me,” begged John.

“And then you come back so dramatically from being dead after two years and what the timing when I was about to propose Mary,” John huffed a humourless laugh and Sherlock smiled sadly. It still hurts.


	2. Chapter 2

“You probably have made it less dramatic. God knows if I were not a soldier, I would have died by a heart attack, you drama queen,” John tried to joke to lighten the environment and was rewarded with a chuckle from Sherlock.

“You know, Sherlock, I never apologize for that, did I?”

“Hmm?” Sherlock was beyond making a coherent word. He was filled with anticipation and at the same time afraid that this could be a farewell. Farewell of John Watson, his conductor of light, his best friend and dare say first and last love.

“For punching you. You didn’t deserve that. Not from me, not from anyone else. Sherlock, I am sorry. Sorry for punching you, sorry for being angry with you and sorry for blaming you for Mary’s death. Sorry for everything. Sorry for ignoring you for no particular reason. Sherlock, you probably would not know but whenever i visited your grave, I always begged you to come back,” now tears were flowing free from John’s eyes,” And you finally and miraculously came back and,” his voice cracked.

Sherlock’s heart fluttered. He was not expecting an apology because he understood what John would have felt like, seeing his best friend committing suicide in front of his eyes and John was able to do nothing. Just stand there and have to witness it and then live with a guilty feeling and nagging voice who would say that ‘you could have saved him’. ‘You could have stopped him.’ Sherlock saw tears running down John’s cheek.

“Shh.” Sherlock whispered. He placed his hands on either side of John’s cheeks and brushed the tears away with his thumbs, before holding John’s hands into his palms.

“I shouldn't have treated you that way,” John said, voice thick with emotions.

“I deserve it,” Sherlock mumbled.

“NO. no, you didn’t deserve it Sherlock. Don’t you dare say that.”

“But I did make you watch my death,” he said softly, making small patterns on John’s wrist.

“You were having no other choice and Sherlock Holmes don't take every bloody blame on you. Hell, I didn’t even Thanked You for saving my life.” John didn't know how the words were slipping easily out of his mouth as if they were always on his tongue.

“I know, you deserve better and don’t say you’re a sociopath again. Sociopaths never give up their lives to protect their friends. I know you deserve better than me but Sherlock,” he altered his gaze from Sherlock to lap, “I love you. I have always loved you since the beginning. And I can understand if you don’t want me as a friend or even if you don’t want me in your life. I deserve it. I don’t deserve being in your life, I know. But that can’t change the fact that I love you and I will forever even if my feelings will destroy what we have left in our relationship. And I would not be able to forgive myself to ruin our healing friendship but that’s the truth and I can’t suppress it anymore,” John was shaking now and he shook his hands away from Sherlock’s.

Sherlock was flying in the sky. For the first time he can’t trust the reality. John loves him. Oh! God it’s like a fantasy coming true. He can’t believe it because he has longed to hear those words from that mouth and now he doesn't know what to do. 

Sherlock’s eyes were closed when John finally look at him. He cupped Sherlock’s face and whispered, “I know I have ruined everything but this once please,” he planted a chaste kiss on Sherlock’s lips and stood up, “Good bye, Sherlock.” He didn’t wait to see Sherlock’s reaction. He can’t look at his friend's face. He didn’t have that courage.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think?
> 
> Let me know what's your view in comment section.


	3. Chapter 3

John felt horrible. His stomach churned when he turned to leave, to never come to the place which he once had called home. Not just a place to sleep and eat or cheap lodging. It was his home. His home with Sherlock Holmes.  _ Well, it was _ . He painfully reminded himself. With footsteps heavy and weight on his heart that he finally had managed to mess up his and Sherlock’s relationship for the worst, he walked towards the door. Now, he is not allowed here anymore, is he? John wanted to yell, to scream, to take all his words back, though every word of it was true. He still wanted to take it back. To tell Sherlock his feelings didn’t matter and he would be more than happy with their friendship. But he also knew that he can’t pretend it’s nothing beyond friendship. Not anymore. The thing was said and even if wanted to undo it he simply couldn't. 

“John,” Sherlock finally managed to say.

Oh! How John hoped. Just hope that Sherlock would not mind his feelings or just pretend like it’s nothing of importance. It doesn’t matter to him. Trivial and brush it off. And tell John that they were still friends. With determination that whatever Sherlock would say he would accept it, schooling his expression to nothing. He turned to look at his friend. At least, he will not let Sherlock feel bad just because he would not be able to reciprocate John’s feelings. He will not let him know how broken John is feeling right now. It doesn’t seem fair with Sherlock.

“Yes,” he didn’t sound sure so he cleared his throat and tried again, “Yes, Sherlock.”

“But you are not gay, are you?” Sherlock tried to joke but it came out with uncertainty hanging on the edge of his voice. It was not entirely meant to be a joke. He can believe John, if John says he loves him, he would not lie but still he was a bit not sure. Not that John, his loyal, loving, gentle and caring John. John, who would kill for him, would ever play with his feelings. But still some rational parts of his brain think otherwise. What if this is just a cruel joke? What if John is being just kind after he has seen how vulnerable Sherlock is? What if....? 

“Was that a joke?” asked John. Is Sherlock pulling his leg? “No, I am not gay.” Something passed on Sherlock’s face and before Sherlock could replace his cold façade, John added, “I am bi and I don’t care what I am. Does it matter? I love you and that’s what matters.” he took a deep breath.  _ You can do it, Watson. This is your last chance.  _ “Look, Sherlock, I know. What I said was nothing. It didn’t matter, right? Sentiments and all that. It was a bad idea. Bad. It will not affect or friendship? Say, I will not affect anything we already have. We are still friends, you know. And I will not let my feelings come between anything. And nothing has to be changed between us, you know,” he was trying, he really was, “We are still friends,” John wanted to say the last sentence a bit firmly but it came out as a plea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short, isn't it?
> 
> Next chapter is planned out and I hope it would be a bit longer.
> 
> How am I doing? Let me know what you think in comment section.


	4. Chapter 4

Sherlock really wanted to tell something, anything. To tell John he loves him back. To tell John is not alone. But at the same time he is unsure about himself. Did he even deserve John? That question keeps coming inside his brain, lurking like a shadow there. He knows he will not be able to take back his words in any possible way, so he has to be sure. Has to be sure about himself. Will he be able to keep John happy with him? He didn’t know and he didn’t like not knowing anything. But this could be his last opportunity to keep John Watson all by himself and he wanted it almost desperately like a hungry man would want his food. Like a drug addictive would want drugs. But would he be able to keep John happy? Companionship and a love commitment is very much different. He didn't dare to let himself think anymore than companionship except in darkness of his bedroom. Now the self-doubt was racing in his mind. Will he be able to-

“Sherlock,” John’s voice bringing him back from his trance, “ Breathe.”

Sherlock let out a breath which he didn’t know he was holding. Breathing seemed to help a bit, though, he would not admit it but a thought came and he knew now he can be sure of himself and John too. John had confessed everything he would otherwise not tell. In one sense he had opened up to Sherlock. Now, Sherlock should do the same and then he will let John decide what’s the best for them. He would tell everything, isn’t it normal people do? They tell everything they feel to their loved ones. 

“John, I,” he trailed off, finding it difficult to express his feelings. ‘Terrible at words, aren’t you’ a voice comes from the back of his head which suspiciously sounded like Mycroft’s. 

John had to take a stance. He can’t let Sherlock feel bad about that. That he can’t be able to return John’s feelings. “Sherlock, you didn’t have to say anything or feel sorry about that. I know. I told you because I was not able to suppress it anymore. I decided to tell you because you have the right to know it. I can understand and I assure you  _ if you want _ we will still be friends and I promise nothing will change.” 

“John, now listen to me, just listen. I am trying.”

“Sherlock, you don’t-”

“Just listen,” Sherlock yelled.  _ He is acting like an idiot. Why can’t John shut up and stop acting like I don’t love him or rather will not want him as a friend anymore? Why the hell I would do that? _

John was quiet, not expecting a sudden outburst. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there, hello again!
> 
> What would you like to include in Sherlock's confession? I am planning to make him confess too.
> 
> Let me know what you guys think in comment section.


	5. Chapter 5

Sherlock took a deep breath and stood up to sit chair while motioning John to take the chair opposite him. 

John is a bit confused but nonetheless he did what he was told. He took his seat opposite to Sherlock. Sherlock had his eyes closed and it looks that he is trying to concentrate. This upsets John's stomach with anxiety.  _ He is trying to make it easy for you, Watson. Don’t dare to imagine otherwise. _ John was having a hard time holding his tongue. He wanted to interject. To speak. But his friend?  _ Am I still allowed to call him friend?  _ He shook his head to clear such thoughts and be positive but No. He was a bundle of negativity now. And on the other hand, Sherlock was not helping him at all. Sherlock was talking in puzzles. And then it hits John like tons of bricks that Sherlock was trying to open up. The way he held John. The way his walls cracked, the way he let John see when his emotions were unguarded. Something uncoiled in John’s nerve. Hope? Perhaps. Goodness, tiny little hope like a ray of sunshine in darkness. But a voice inside his head thought otherwise ‘It’s normal in friendship too’ it supplied. ‘Isn’t it why friends for? To support each other?’ it asked. John tried to ignore it. Really tried. It was true, though. But John didn’t let that tiny hope fade away. It was only thought keeping him from breaking in front of Sherlock. If Sherlock wants to open up, he would be there for him, waiting patiently because he can guess how difficult it would be for Sherlock to do that. A person, self-proclaimed sociopath, he ought to wait patiently. That's what he knows. So, he waited. Waited for Sherlock to break this terrible silence of the scruffy flat. And, if  _ just if _ Sherlock loved John in the way John loved him, John should be ready for this silence. Learn how to wait even if the waiting would eat him from inside. 

“John, you know, I am a horrible person as is my ability to put feelings into words,” Sherlock started after he had gathered his thoughts. 

“Sherlock,” 

“Quiet,” and John was, “You know, John, when we first met, I was not expecting that you would be able to put up with me. But then you did and you even killed a man for me. When I found that black lotus on the table with code on the window, I had panicked. That time, obviously, I did not know the exact reason as for why. But I didn't bother to find out. And then again ‘pool incident’ as you put it, when I first saw you there. The first thing I emotionally felt was betrayal. Of course, you were kidnapped.”  _ This is hard. Who can manage to say it?  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I manage to give my John some hope *smiles sheepishly*
> 
> Another thing, I don't know where this is going. Seriously, I don't know how to express Sherlock's feelings. It was much easier in case of John. 
> 
> I will try to write as best I can, though. If you have any idea, please share it.


	6. Chapter 6

Sherlock studied John’s face for a moment. He was sitting there like a soldier. Ready to face whatever comes in way. He had tried hard to mask his emotions but of course Sherlock could see it. See how hard John was trying to not to crack if it would be too much to bear. He can see the fear in those hazel brown eyes. Fear? Sherlock hated that. John should be the stronger one. Sherlock wanted to say that three magical words too to John, but he knew the great promise that three words carry. Not that he would mind promising John anything. He had given up his life for him, for god’s sake. But he has to be clear.

“John, see, this is hard.”

“It is,” agreed John, voice small, his lips pressed in a tight line.

Sherlock remembers the feeling of those lips upon his lips, warm and soft, careful and tentative to press the smallest of kisses. Just a bare brush of lips. He wanted to kiss John again. To feel those lips again, to taste that mouth, explore every inch of it. He shook his head to clear that thought and cleared his throat to continue what he was going to say.

But Sherlock was never known for his resistance. So, he stood up instead and within a millisecond he was standing in front of John. John eyed him with confusion and fear clearly written on his face. 

“Don’t worry, I am not going to kick you out of the flat,” he assured, “John, I may say, you are important to me, always was. You were my best friend.”

_Did he just use past tense?_ _You were?_ John’s last hope came crashing down like a meteor. John kept his tears at bay. _You are a soldier Watson, stand up and bid him a last farewell._ He ordered himself.

Sherlock sensed something wrong, the soldier's concentration in his  _ Friend? _ John’s face and rush to complete his sentence. 

“Yes, you were because I love you, too. Aren't we lovers now? That’s what people call, isn’t it?” He took John's hand in his and bent to kiss it, “I love you but that doesn’t mean I am good for you. John, you deserve better than me. What if I would not be able to make you happy emotionally or sexu-”

John pulled Sherlock down by his dressing gown and connected their lips. It was enough for John to know that Sherlock loves him back and the rest of things they can figure out later, together. Sherlock was taken aback by sudden movement but nonetheless kissed John back eagerly. John pulled him into his lap and changed the angle of their kiss a bit. Sherlock moaned when he felt John’s tongue tracing his lower lips. He was feeling high. John’s expertised tongue took the opportunity and slipped into Sherlock’s mouth to deepen the kiss. The instance their tongue’s touched, Sherlock felt like his brain had completely stopped, halted like a train. If this is what it feels like to kiss John Watson, he can do this forever. It was pure bliss. Sherlock could not help but moan helplessly when John took the control of the kiss and started exploring Sherlock’s mouth. 

After what felt like infinite, they pulled apart to catch their breaths and Sherlock was painfully aware of how hard he was just by one kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel very bad for not updating for ages. 
> 
> Though, I tried to make this chapter a bit long.
> 
> Let me know what you think in comment section.


	7. Chapter 7

John noticed Sherlock’s pale face and tried to inquire, “What’s wrong? Was it not good? I will not kiss you again, if you don’t-”

“No, no. That’s not it. I like, um, love kissing you,” Sherlock cut him short. 

“Oh! Okay,” he frowned, his eyes fell on his lap, out of habit, and he noticed Sherlock’s problem but decided to ignore it for 3 reasons. i) Sherlock does not seem very comfortable ii) John would better like to kiss Sherlock iii) he does not want to scare Sherlock off.

Sherlock reached to caress John’s cheek with one hand, “John, I know this is-”

“We don’t have to do anything, you know. I just want to stay with you and this is enough. More than enough, I would say,” 

“No, John. That’s not it. I need you. Want to feel you, John, I want it,” said Sherlock sounded sure but he was a bit unsure if it would be too early. Early, after confessing feelings. Sherlock had fantasised about it many times. More than he would care to admit. There were plenty of times when he slept, imagining John laying beside him. He wanted it. Needed it. He needs to feel John’s skin on his own. 

“But you have just got back from the hospital,” John said, his voice not above a whisper. As much as it hurt to admit, he was the reason behind why his friend was in the state Sherlock currently is. He still felt guilty about it. God, he felt horrible. “How can you even love a person like me?” 

As much as Sherlock wants to answer the prior question because he was sporting an erection but the second one seems more important. He can read what John is thinking by his expression. He is not known as a genius for nothing. And John was following a dangerous train of thoughts right now. Self-doubt didn't suit in his John's personality and Sherlock was certain about it. He like it when John do things with surety. “I can say the same, John. We both are not perfect. In fact, no one is perfect in this world. We had both made mistakes. Horrible ones,” this earned a chuckle from John and it was a good sign so he went on, “And we both are sorry about it, are we not?” 

“Yes, we are” John confirmed with a warm smile. The kind of smile Sherlock was dying to see on his friend’s face for so long. He smiled back with the same warmth in return. Before lunging forward to kiss John again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning to write some smut but they were still having some issues to address (is it my fault?). 
> 
> Let me know what you think in comment section.

**Author's Note:**

> To be continue.
> 
> Please tell me if you feel like this is a bit out of character because I have some other ideas up on my sleeves.
> 
> Let me know what do you think in comment section.


End file.
